Archive for the ‘Insight’ Category

Get Divorced – God’s not Mad

Posted by Author on May 19th, 2010

Religious-based…

Misconstrued...

Misunderstood…

Misinterpreted…period.

THOSE ARE the first few words that come to mind when I think about the most common teachings and warnings given about DIVORCE, which are hurled from pulpits, spewed out by pastors and teachers around the nation every Sunday at church.  Now I know what most of you are thinking…

Please don’t tell us that you’re going to say that DIVORCE IS OKAY WITH GOD…because WE know what GOD says about divorce.

Well…in fact, hold on to your Starbucks – or at least take a minute to pour it in a hard-plastic cup, because I am going to challenge your thinking, and I wouldn’t want you to squeeze that Starbucks cup too tight and send me hate email for ruining your keyboard.


“…But God hates divorce…it’s in the Bible…”

” What God has joined together, let no man put asunder…“

I know, and I can probably quote from memory most of the scriptures in the Bible, which deal with the subject of divorce.  I am – as many of you know – a divorcee after all.  And, I’ve been divorced more than once.  Having said that, I can say from experience and having been on both sides of the AT FAULT role – that is, the victim and the perpetrator - that GOD DOES UNDERSTAND why we humans get divorced.  I didn’t say He always approves, but He understands.

Instead of taking the path that most cult leaders do, and attempt to twist scripture and manipulate you, I’m going to preface my argument by stating up front: THIS IS INDEED, MY OPINION. As you probably already know – because you already spouted off those verses (up there)… you’re not going to find anything in scripture that tells you to get divorced, unless (Matthew 5:31) your spouse has been unfaithful.  At the same time, let’s face it: if your spouse has been unfaithful, or is currently being unfaithful, you’re also probably not going to succeed at getting the Court to publicly flog him/her, or drag him/her in the center of the mall and have them stoned to death in front of Macy’s (at least not during holiday season or store-wide sales events).

So we agree, we’re not going to find God laughing, smiling, or sending text messages and tweets to angels in the heavenlies, voicing excitement over one of our thousands of divorces that occur every week in the U.S.  No…I’m not exaggerating.  In 1998, 2.2 millions couples married, and 1.1 million couples divorced.  The divorces averaged to just over 21,000 per week.

Still, put my perspective in your mouthwash for a second, and see if you can swallow where I’m coming from after you’ve cleaned your teeth.

For those of you who have children, you’re likely to palate my thoughts a little easier than those who do not.  Let’s say you have two kids.  Most of the time they get along like normal kids.  They have their good moments and their bad moments, and they have their great days and their horrible days.  On most days you don’t care so much about the little spats they have, because like most parents, you aren’t interested in justice…you want QUIET. But, there are those days where the fighting is more serious… way beyond the he won’t stop teasing me infractions that occur.  Inevitably, you do the logical thing, and you SEPARATE your kids.  That can mean a simple time out…go to your room… stay in separate spaces…you play upstairs – you play downstairs… OR, it can mean a room change inside of the home. Whatever the situation may be, there often comes a time, when kids have to be separated for their own good.

But, we’re talking about the difference of two grown adults versus brother-brother, sister-sister, or brother-sister…not divorce.

I knew you were going to say that, because an effective writer knows their audience.  ;)

Even worse…

You have two grown adults, who spoke the vows (in a church more than likely…) and can’t get along to save their lives.  If you were unfortunate enough to experience and endure an abusive childhood – as I certainly was – you were robbed of a healthy upbring by witnessing your father brutalize not only you, but also your mother.  I was around 5 years old, when one evening my father busted my mother’s forehead open with a telephone receiver, while his girlfriend was on the other end of the telephone call.

You mean to tell me that you still believe that GOD expects one to endure a tumultuous, abusive environment like that, for the sake of covenant vows? Or do you think God is like that parent – - like you and I – who though He does not like it, sometimes allows separation to happen in order to keep His kids safe?

I’m not saying that every marriage with and element of abuse has to end in divorce.  Every situation is different, and dynamics differ from one marriage to another.  There are situations where a separation > followed by counseling > followed by intervention > followed by intense therapy can heal an abusive marriage.  However, if you think I would allow my daughter to remain in an abusive relationship where she is being brutalized mentally or physically (or both) because of a one-sided, religious approach to marriage, you’re absolutely, positively wrong. The Bible is indeed black and white, but colored with splashes of red, which are representative of the words of Christ.

When religious leaders attempted to trip Him up, by holding Him to Old Testament law when it came to stoning the woman caught in the act of adultery, He didn’t embrace Law.  He drew a line in the sand, and He sat on the side of the sinner, defending…the sinner.  And instead of passing down a death sentence, He rendered a paid in full, and gave the woman life.  It’s not as easy as, Hey you’re married…you gotta wipe the blood from your nose, cover your black-eye with make-up and STAND FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

Interpreting the Bible is not just about disecting the origin of the text, defining hebrew and greek meanings behind words, and sifting through historical notes and commentaries left by men, such as Josephus.   Interpreting God’s Word is also understanding His nature.

When I hear story after story of failing marriages, and watch and listen to so-called Pastors, Leaders, and men of the clergy attempting to coerce a battered wife to remain in a marriage with an abusive husband, it makes my blood boil… and I’d rather puke in the church’s offering bucket than sow a dollar into their Private-Jet-Special-offering-fund.

If you – being a human – can understand the instinct to protect your daughter (or your son) from an abusive marriage, what makes you think that our heavenly Father doesn’t have it within HIS nature to see the logic in the same instinct to protect His own?

God hates divorce.  Of course He does.  Do you know anyone who loves divorce?

However, God is above all else, a God of Love.  If it comes down to living a life of mistreatment, neglect, infidelity and outright abuse, you can rest assured, God understands divorce being a solution in those circumstances.  Watching couples struggle year after year, beating up one another, living miserable lives, together in a home – but separated emotionally and spiritually from one another; carrying on from one year to the next because they’re trying to prove something to the church, or they think they’re showing their children how to stand and stick it out for God is a bunch of C-R-A-P.  (would have loved to use the alternative expletive…)

You’re not showing your children how to stand for a marriage and believe God; you’re conditioning them to view abuse as normalcy, and you’re doing more damage than you’ll ever know, which you probably won’t know until your children become adults…cycle through your curses and repeat your mistakes.  Ask me how I know.

God isn’t mad at you.  Get divorced if you or your children are being abused.

God understands…and believe it or not, HE’s going to give me a pat on the back for sharing this insight with you.


Posted in Family, Insight, Relationships, Slider | 5 Comments »

It’s NOT about you.

Posted by Author on April 12th, 2010

Almost every personal website has an “About Me” button somewhere on the menu. Almost every company website has an “About Us” button. Don’t roll your eyes – I’m not going to write about the opposition to the i-Centered society we live in…

Okay… I am. That’s exactly what I am going to write about. Roll your eyes. (Go ahead…you know you want to.)

We live in a society (at least in America) that conditions us from the day we are born to focus and focus on one thing only: what do you think I want, and what plans are you making to make sure I get it? Without the ability to intellectualize and verbally affirm this way of thinking – at least not at 1 minute past the time of birth – the desire to be heard, to assert our purpose, and to prioritize for you what is most important to us becomes the underlying, ever-driving, secret mission, and unspoken manifesto of all of us. (Except you. You’re different.)

We cannot help it. At least not initially.

We are born with needs. We are born in a state of complete and utter dependence upon others. Depending on how our individual needs are met or are not met, will result in the framework and the blueprint, from out of which our emotional and physical needs will be requested throughout the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

Over time, the denial of our needs – or the inabilities and incapacities of others to meet them – will form and force our self-image, self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem to develop. Unfortunately, the development of “self” at some point falls into our hands to chisel through, and our instinctive self-dependence takes over to some degree.

Generally speaking, I don’t make it a practice to shove my spiritual beliefs on others, and I don’t find others who do to be irresistibly becoming. However, I am bold and unashamed to say that I am a follower of Jesus Christ. It is out of this relationship that I wish to communicate my point.

Standing on my belief and understanding of Christian principles, I believe that dependence upon “self” was never meant to be the plan for mankind. I would go as far as to say that I’m not convinced that self-image, self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem were ever in God’s plan for mankind either. If the Bible is true, which I truly believe, then one has to conclude by its declaration therein: man was not created to be independent, but de-pendent upon God.

This being the foundational philosophy behind my writing here, to continually pursue a world, where we as individuals are the central focus and the central goal is completely selfish. To journey through this window of time, referred to as “our life” without others being the central focus is unfulfilling, unrewarding and empty.

As I pondered my thoughts on this subject and began organizing my ideas, I thought back to my experience in Marine Boot Camp. Interestingly enough, one of the immediate and primary challenges of a drill instructor is to remove the words “I” and “me” from the vocabulary of his Marine recruits. If you have had the opportunity of visiting Marine Boot Camp at MCRD in San Diego, or Paris Island, SC, you may have noticed that Marine recruits are constantly referring to themselves as “this recruit,” rather than I or me. The philosophy is that by removing the terminology which promotes individuality, a philosophy focusing on others and on the “team” slowly moves to the forefront of the Marine’s thinking. This could possibly explain why the U.S. Marines have the highest number of Medal of Honor awards given to their servicemen, comparatively speaking. The selfless and sacrificial acts of heroic deeds embody the principle: laying one’s life down for his friend.

Imagine a world where the focus on the welfare of others was placed above the importance of our-selves. Imagine a world where self-promotion was viewed as taboo, and the interests in the lives of others were promoted as priority numero Uno.

Consider for a moment a world without the commercialization of vanity and the It’s all about Me aroma of self-indulgence and self-gratification. Shouldn’t life be about giving? About fulfilling? About serving?

Left to the dependence upon others, we inevitably rest our fate in the brokeness and dysfunctions of those struggling to maintain themselves. Reliant upon self-dependence, we are faced with the painful realization that we still need another.

Imagine. Consider.

So, when I see the “About Me” menu option, I almost instinctively respond inside of my head, “Who…What now?”

But again, that’s about Me.

Posted in Insight, Parables, Slider | 2 Comments »

Self-Help, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem #*%&

Posted by Author on January 28th, 2010

There! I said it.

Let me preface by saying this: I know this is going to rub some of my readers the wrong way – and I am okay with the consequences, but those of you who really know me, know where I stand on this nonsense.

So, here goes.

There are several common terms used in psychology, counseling and other “sciences,” which have been running rampant for so long that they are now practically embedded in American culture. Before you get too excited – ya’ know, raising one eyebrow, turning your head slightly to the left and taking that deep breath… RELAX. I’m not going to go Tom Cruise on you and tell you that I believe psychology is a pseudo-science and I don’t believe in medication. However… I probably will challenge some of you with my thought process here.

SELF-HELP

SELF-CONFIDENCE

SELF-ESTEEM

There have been numerous books written on all three. There are volumes upon volumes of study materials available to students all over the academic world on these subjects. Borders, Barnes & Noble, Walden Books, and a handful of other bookstore chains all over North America and beyond have isles dedicated to these ever-expanding subjects. In fact, “SELF-HELP” was at one time (not sure if it still holds true) an entire section of reading material at some of these bookstores.

I myself, am a supporter of the field of science and social science as a whole. I will be the first to admit: one of my most favorite books early on was a self-help book titled, Seeds of Greatness, by Dennis Waitley. I was 15 when I first read it, and it was one in a list of a few dozen I read before I turned 18.

Undoubtedly, there has been a lot of great knowledge and enlightening information that has come from these subjects. There have been countless numbers of people, who have been rescued, revitalized, revamped, reshaped and reborn (so-to-speak) from these enlightenments. Unfortunately, (and – you can take that deep breath now) it is all one big deception, and it is completely God-less in its basic structure. (here’s where some will say “see ya,” and type in another web address on the address bar)

You were never meant to rely on “self.” Not for breathing. Not for waking up after a long night’s rest. Not for making your digestive system function. Not for arriving from the west coast to the east coast in a 747. And if you were never meant to rely on “help” with “self” then you may as well wave bye-bye to self-confidence and self-esteem as well. The very fact that we’ve been trying to help ourselves for centuries, while simultaneously digging ourselves into more and more problems should be enough to confirm – we’re not very good at that SELF-HELP thing.

You had no hand, no say, and no influence in coming into existence. You had absolutely no control over your conception or inception. You had no control over that precise moment, when you inhaled your first breath of oxygen, and you have absolutely zero control over when you will exhale your last bit of carbon dioxide before your depart from this life.

The simple fact that you exist right now is nothing short of an act of God’s grace.

From the beginning of time, man and woman were created to be reliant and dependent upon God. Take yourselfout of life’s equation, and God still exists. Remove God from life’s equation and there is no LIFE. Life does not exist without God. Period. Try and convince me that LIFE as we know it is the result of a comic blast in outer space – some millions of years ago – and I’ll tell you to go shake a box of transistor radio parts. When the shaking stops, if you can open your box in front of me and reveal a complete (and) working radio, I may sit down with you for a few minutes and listen to your Big Bang Theory. However, we both know that’s not going to happen.

If you believe that you have a Creator, then there is no puzzle to what I am saying; it becomes a matter of accepting or rejecting the responsibility to be independent from God, or dependent upon God. If you don’t believe that you have a Creator, then this posting isn’t for you and you are probably no longer reading me anyway.

Life becomes much more simple when you stop wrestling with independence and accept dependence upon God.  When you recognize this as a truth of life, “self” tends to mean less and less. After John the Baptist baptized Jesus, he said, “I must decrease so that He may increase,” meaning quite simply: all of us must make the decision to relinquish our will in exchange for the will of God.

Jesus said, in the sermon of the Beatitudes, “…You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope; withless of you, there’s more of God and His rule.” (The Message Bible) Now, try reversing that thought: with more of you, there’s less of God and His rule.

So then, why all of the focus on self-help, self-confidence, self-esteem? Well, think about it. If an entire society’s theological beliefs can be shifted by promoting “self-awareness,” – another favorite of mine – then the need for God lessens. However, if God is re-introduced back into the mix of things, then we have some serious changing to do. Right?

More of you – less of God.

Less of you – more of God.

Posted in Confrontational, Insight, Personal Experience, Relationships, Uncategorized | 6 Comments »